Hello Bonnyville! After my last installment of the Mic Check focused on the utter ridiculousness of the media coverage surrounding the birth of the royal baby, I figured I'd write about something positive this week. So without any further ado, allow me to go on record and make an announcement that should take precedent over any piece of news the world has seen in the last week – I'm officially announcing my intent to run for mayor of Bonnyville.
Now I know what you all must be thinking – it's about time right? Having spent more than six months in this community I feel I'm in a position, at the ripe-old age of 22, where I understand the wants and needs of the people, as well as having a very good idea of what plans and projects need to come to the fore in Bonnyville in the coming years. Now that I've got that off my chest, allow me to present to you my flawless, groundbreaking platform.
Right at the top of my ‘things to do' checklist upon my almost inevitable inauguration in October is to change the time of regular council meetings. As of now, council meets at 5 p.m. every other Tuesday. Unfortunately, I just don't think that is going to fit into my burgeoning schedule. You see, as part of my new rigorous get-fit regime, I will be participating in daily Zumba and yoga classes in the evening, so something has gotta give.
I suggest scheduling these meetings at a time more convenient for myself, so perhaps 9 or 10 p.m on a Friday night? Even then, we'll have to get through the meeting in double quick time to ensure I'm home in bed at a reasonable time so I'm able to get up in the morning for football, which moves me onto my next point.
Ever since moving to Canada in 2007, I've heard people use the term ‘football' for a sport that certainly isn't football. How on earth you guys can say your football is the right thing to call football is beyond me, because you very rarely use your foot to kick the ball, and the ball isn't even a ball! It's an oval. Calling my football, football on the other hand though makes perfect sense, because you are predominantly using your foot to kick the ball, and the ball itself is, well a spherical ball.
You still with me? Ok, I thought so. So from that, one of my first official acts of mayor will be to end the confusion and bring Bonnyville up to speed with the rest of the world – the sport of football will be forever known as handoval, and ‘soccer' will rightfully be known as football.
I'll also be making some phone calls to my supporters and backers to ensure residents of Bonnyville each receive a special card that will give you all free gasoline for the duration of my term. But it might be tough to use, as I'll be prohibiting the use of all motorized vehicles in Bonnyville - especially all those noisy pick-up trucks that cruise Main Street all day. I feel with climate change becoming a bit of a problem, we here in Bonnyville should be an example for Albertans and take it upon ourselves to do something about it.
I'll also be looking for a large corporation to step up and bring plans forward for construction of a nuclear power plant somewhere within town limits. I heard they're quite safe, other than minor problems reported in Chernobyl and Fukushima.
I could go on and on and on supplying classic points that I know you'd all be interested to hear about, but I figured I'd at least give any opponents a chance to catch up.
Thank you for your time,
Mike Pickford, current reporter and the next mayor of Bonnyville.
