Let's just pretend last week didn't happen.
Somehow, two small, but inexcusable errors snuck through my brain, out my fingers, past our machine-like editing apparatus and onto the pulp-based pages that make up the Nouvelle. How embarrassing.
But that was not it.
In my column this past week, a factual statement I made about strapping on the goalie gear for a Pontiacs practice was made false by the sudden disappearance of that very gear.
Let me back up and explain how this fact morphed into fiction and the future repercussions of it.
Last month, Pontiacs play-by-play voice Robb Hunter and I made a wager that the losing guest coach in the Pontiacs' intra-squad game would strap on the pads and play goalie during a Pontiacs practice.
The comedic performance in net would have been priceless, as I have never played goalie and, rumour has it, Hunter's ability to skate is dubious at best.
Unfortunately – and no, I am still not over it – Team White lost, leaving me as the losing guest coach and in the unenviable position of standing in front of blistering slapshots at an upcoming Pontiacs practice.
The day finally came when I was to take up my position in net. I came to the rink early – dressed professionally, I might add.
I wasn't nervous about being a goalie, as much as I was excited to experience a Pontiacs practice firsthand – and I mean, I have been hit with a lot of things without any padding on. Wearing padding, how bad could a few pucks be?
Regrettably, I never found out.
The goalie gear I was supposed to strap on had disappeared. It was nowhere to be found. And attempts to contact goalies at the last minute to borrow their equipment failed.
Though the sun still set that evening, it felt like something strange had occurred. And when I told the tale of the missing equipment to friends and family, they offered up several possible explanations.
My mother offered her most motherly opinion on the possible motives of the coaches. “Maybe Chad (Mercier) and Ryan (Pollock) like you too much and were trying to protect you.”
A friend suggested Hunter had pre-emptively removed the equipment the night of the intra-squad game, believing he would lose the game, then have to attempt to play goalie and be left flailing like a drunk, injured giraffe on skates.
My best explanation: Hunter was trying to give me a dose of double reverse psychology.
Follow me on this one. In a convoluted attempt to show me up in net,
Hunter stole the equipment and has been secretly training in the wee hours of the morning, when he knows I will not be around to see it.
He then made a deal with the Pontiacs coaching staff that if the home opener on Sept. 10 has more than 1,200 fans in attendance, both he and I would strap on the goalie gear in a Pontiacs practice.
Then, during that practice, he would challenge me to a shootout duel, obviously expecting to beat me because of his recent training methods – and possible use of performance enhancing drugs.
Of course, that is all rumour and hearsay.
But one thing is true. If the home opener at the R.J. Lalonde Arena at 7 p.m. this Saturday has more than 1,200 fans in the stands, Hunter will strap on the goalie gear and face the wrath of the Pontiacs at an upcoming practice, and I will join him in the opposite crease.
So, come out and support the Pontiacs and help Hunter make a fool of himself in net. Because there is no way, even with all the early morning training in the world, he will have any resemblance to Kirk McLean or Roberto Luongo or even Dan Cloutier for that matter.
And even I could beat Dan Cloutier in a goalie competition…
