BONNYVILLE – Behavioral interventionist Emma Spenceley was invited to the Bonnyville FCSS to give a talk on fostering sibling relationships.
The free talk, organized by Laurie-Ann Unrau, is part of the FCSS effort to offer parent education and awareness, and could be attended in-person as well as online on March 5.
Parents joined in conversation, shared their personal experiences, had the opportunity to ask Spenceley questions, and laughed together over refreshments.
Spenceley introduced herself as the behavioral interventionist at Aligned Intervention Service, having obtained a graduate certificate in autism and behavioral science.
Entertaining the audience with stories of her own experiences growing up with an older sister, Spenceley offered practical advice for parents to deal with sibling rivalry.
Factors that play into a sibling rivalry dynamic can be birth order, age gap, parental behavior, and temperament. Spenceley explained that sibling rivalries are common, and children need to be taught positive communication skills
“I know I left some bite marks on my sister growing up. The verbal disputes were every other day in my household. This is a very common issue,” said Spenceley.
Spenceley spoke about the power of positive reinforcement, and how you can utilize it in a way that develops bonds between siblings.
“In terms of siblings, we want to be rewarding the sharing, cooperation, and kindness – or whatever it is they’ve been struggling with. If they’re struggling with taking toys from each other, as soon as we see them sharing [we immediately reward them].”
Spenceley said it is very important to administer the reward as soon as you can, and to individualize the rewards to the preferences of the child. Initially, it may take a lot of positive reinforcement, but Spenceley spoke on how it builds good habits.
“It’s great to reward them as a team. So, if they are both working on the same task, like setting the table, and they’re not fighting over the cutlery, we want to reinforce that team effort. It’s not going to turn into ‘I got more stars than you did, or I want to beat you at this.’ They’re doing it together as a team to get the reward.”
Shared activities gain a positive association when rewarded, and Spenceley said they are not only a great way to create a bond between siblings but can teach children how to get along with others in general.
“It nurtures that sibling bond, creates a foundation of trust, as well as builds on those social skills. Siblings are basically test buddies . . . Shared activities show each other how to interact. How do we actually act like nice human beings to one other?”
Spenceley also suggested having the kids work as a team against the parent and making tasks into a game.
“You can do things like ‘Can you guys get your shoes on before I get the dog in?’ Now it’s a challenge and they want to beat you. You’ve made it into a game.”
Creating a rotating system for things like who gets to ride in the front seat or doing chores can help foster fairness and Spenceley suggests making a visual schedule.
“It fosters fairness, but it also teaches empathy. When you also have to dry dishes, and you don't like drying dishes, you understand how the other person feels when they are the ones drying dishes.”
A discussion arose about the balance between fostering fairness and creating resilience in a world that isn’t always fair.
“Those conversations often come up naturally. There’s always going to be a kid who is picked last at school, that stuff happens. You can have those conversations and acknowledge the fact that it’s hard.”
Spenceley explained that having those conversations when a kid says “It’s not fair” can become an opportunity to create connection when you validate their feelings. It also creates an opportunity to build resilience when they can turn to you to help them process the emotions triggered when they perceive that something isn’t fair.
Token boards to encourage teamwork, family meetings to debrief and set boundaries, and family activities to create positive bonding were some of Spenceley’s suggestions. She armed participants with lists of age-appropriate activities to encourage sibling bonding.
